Robin Reports From In The Thick Of It

It's A Boy!

        We have a new baby in the house. That's right a new baby.  Well, a new baby puppy.  My daughter wanted one for her 8th grade graduation.  This last week has been just like raising a baby all over again-only it's a pup. We have had sleepless nights from him barking during the night.  We have been on regimented feeding schedules, having to take him out to do his duty as scheduled times. We had to take him to the doctor for a check up and give him some medication... It is exhausting-and yet exhilarating.  It is amazing how an animal can truly become a cherished part of your family in a very short time. At this very moment he is cuddled up next to my chair, chewing on a bone, as I write this.

         My friend lost her dog that was with her and her family for eleven years.  She basically died of old age.  It was incredibly sad to see her morn the loss of her dog, Lexi, for over two weeks.  Maybe you need to be a dog lover to appreciate this.  Lexi has been there while raising her two boys who have now moved on to college.  My friend has gone through two years of a separation and divorce from her husband of 20 plus years.  Her dog has been at her side through tough times, while she now has lived alone, for the last two years.  And now her dog, Lexi, her cherished canine companion, has passed away.

         Recently, we babysat her new pup, Max. She got him on Mothers Day with her son, when he returned from college. He is the cutest, rowdiest, little Shi Tzu you have ever seen.  We have a Maltese that is almost two years old.  After a long weekend of watching Max, our dog seemed sad when he was gone.  She would sniff around looking for Max.  She would go in rooms expecting to see him and he wouldn't be there.  My daughters explained how our dog was missing Max and she needed a friend.  I could see what they were talking about.  After owning a dog for a while you really get in touch with their personality and their feelings.  They are like people in many ways.  If you are not a dog owner or lover you are thinking I have lost it by now.  Get a dog, you will know what I am talking about. Anyway, our dog got used to Max being around to play with him. He liked having a companion.

        Being a dog owner is a new identity for me.  I did not grow up around dogs. I am now able to identify my dog, Sachi's feelings.  I have to say, she did seem she needed a friend.  The kids live very busy lives around here.  We have to leave our dog home alone often. We now brought home a Shi Tzu for Satchi to play with.  We have only had him for a week.  And it is instant love. The dogs play so well together.  We bring them on walks and play in the yard with them.  These two dogs are a part of our family.

       My friend brought over Max to play with our dogs today.  For an hour we just watched our dogs wrestle one another, bite each others ears, chase each other around the yard. We videoed them playing around in the yard. I found this hilarious.  We were so enamored by our animals.  It reminded me when our kids were young.  The adults would try to talk, but our attention was mostly focused on our young ones, making sure they were playing appropriately and not getting hurt or hurting someone else. And, proud Mamas and Papas when they would do something impressive. My friend laughed as she said...only a dog lover could understand what we are doing now. It was the perfect doggy play date.

       It has been a long week getting our new pup used to his new surroundings and watching him so he does not get hurt or eat something he should not be eating. I truly feel like a new mother. I can say, however, he is loved immensely by every family member of the house and we couldn't live without him. I came across a poem that describes what it is to own a dog.

My Dog, CHIMPY

MY DOG IS A FRIEND, WHO LOVES ME FOREVER... MY DOG IS A FRIEND, WHO WILL TURN ON ME NEVER... MY DOG IS A COMPANION, WHO WILL STAND BY MY SIDE... MY DOG IS A COMPANION WHO WONT RUN AND HIDE... MY DOG IS A SOMEONE WHO WILL ALWAYS BE MY FRIEND... MY DOG IS A FRIEND..AND A FRIEND UNTIL THE END... MY DOG IS A FRIEND WHO IS ALWAYS WILLING TO HAVE FUN... MY DOG BELIEVES THAT ABOVE ALL OTHERS, THAT I AM NUMBER ONE... Sheikh Hina Yasmeen

          If you are a dog lover and want to connect with other dog lovers that understand your canine affection, check out these web sites, K9Mania.com, PetSmart, and DogForums.com.  Lastly, if you are into books like I am, check out this site, books for dog lovers.  The Web is great for providing us connections to anything we want under the sun.  Make your connection today, make your dog a part of the fun.

Time to go take my dogs for a walk.  Maybe we will bump into another family with pets along the way. 

Susan Is A Survivor And Now She Is A Fighter: Against Breast Cancer

My friend Susan is a "Breast Cancer" survivor. You know the saying, Shit Happens!  Well, one ordinary day in Susan's life, after just turning 40, she went in for her yearly OB/GYNE check-up. There was no sign of trouble, no family history of breast cancer, just doing her due diligence.  The doctor finds a lump on her breast and explains they should do a biopsy. A week later, in November of '02,  she gets a call from her doctor informing her that it was cancerous. That was the beginning of a very long, frightening, debilitating and treacherous journey to do what it takes to fight breast cancer and save her life. 

Susan is married, a mother of two children and lives in a suburb of Chicago. She had been a very successful business woman up until this point.  She recently gave up her job to spend more time with her children.  Then one day, out of no where, came this terrible news that threatened her life.  I remember her struggle with how she was going to share with her young children that she had a life threatening illness, that would require her taking on a series of treatments that would leave her incapacitated at times for days.  All this would be necessary to save her life. It was a very sober moment for us all, recognizing the fragility of life, and who we are for others as well as who they are for us.

She thoroughly did her research to determine the best strategy to take on for her situation. What followed was a treacherous year of having surgery-a lumpectomy, with chemotherapy to follow for five months. Following that was 8 weeks of Radiation treatments.  Her body was so traumatized at one point her veins would collapse when the IV needle was inserted.  She was so dehydrated from being ill after treatments, she needed to have an IV hooked up to her wrists for a few weeks.   Watching her go through this painful process to save her life was heart wrenching for all her loved ones who were there by her side and did their best to be supportive.

Susan is the type of person that is completely organized with everything in it's place.  She has been very successful in her own right in the business world as a sales woman.  She has always been known to keep a flawless appearance; her hair done just right, nails always painted, make up perfectly applied.  She took great pride in her appearance.  For someone like this, you can only imagine what it was like to have your life turned upside down in this way.  When her hair fell out and she had to visit the beauty parlor to have her head shaved, we, her friends, were crying with her. As she stated in a book listed below,

"Brian gently kissed my  head and took the razor down the middle first. I shed a few tears, and before I knew it I was completely bald.  I looked in the mirror and initially I was shocked. I thought I looked so old.  But as time wore on, I kept thinking it's me.  I'm still the same spirit, the same human being, the same wife, the same mother, the same sister, the same friend.  I believe that Jordan and Monique were shocked to see their mom bald.  The fact that I had breast cancer and was sick and undergoing chemotherapy really set in with the loss of my hair."   

Her skin turned green from the chemicals of chemo. We did our best to keep her spirits up.  When things got bad, I told her to hold on to a mantra to keep herself mentally strong.  It was, Sink or Swim Baby!  I'm Swimming!

After the radiation was done what was to follow was to try to remain cancer free. She was in a physically weakened condition with her skin still discolored for a while. From that point forward, for the next five years, Susan would have to take Tomaxifin, a drug to prevent the cancer from coming back.  Side effects  were loss of memory, sleepless nights, depression, and just absolute frustration, where some days she would just say,  "How much can a body take?"  This is where real character is born.  She took on being a problem solver.  She saw a specialist to deal with her sleepless nights,  sought out medicine to relieve her depression, lastly, called her friends to support her and keep her sane. When it comes to Susan's friends, birds of a feather do flock together.  She has an "All Star" line up of friends that make for a group of very talented characters across the board, that were there to support her in a myriad of ways.  Truly, Thank G-d for friends.

Slowly but surely Susan got stronger, her hair grew back,  her body started to mend, and she felt hope for the first time in a while that she was past the worst of it. In no time, she decided to help others stricken with breast cancer and had a large fund-raiser in her community for Breast Cancer Research, raising thousands of dollars.  To help out with the finances at home, she took classes and got her real estate license. Two years later, she is one of the top sales people in her office. She will explain how going through this treacherous process made her stronger, made her wiser.  She learned what was important in life, to embrace each day.  She takes nothing for granted. She seeks out people who will fill her life with love and laughter.   

Today, Susan Jacqueline Maman is a very successful real estate agent.  In 2007, she was an award winner of the International President's Circle-top 4% in sales volume across the country.  In 2006, she was an award winner for the International President's Circle- top 13% across the country in sales volume. In 2005, she was awarded Rookie Of The Year of the entire North Shore region of Illinois. Also, awarded Top Marketing Specialist in her office. She has had such a strong come back after her fight with Cancer, she is an example to anyone who has ever been dealt bad cards in their life.

The one thing that has been missing in her life up until now is exercise.  Having taken the medicine for the depression that ensued as a side effect of the Tomaxifin, she started to put on weight.  As a perfectionist, this was very hard on her. With her very busy life, her friends stressed how important it was to put exercise in her daily schedule to control her stress and help with the weight. Susan also is the type, she has to take care of everyone else before herself. She is a one man band, well in this case, a one woman band. I stressed how important it was to take care of herself first, so she can continue to be there for others for the long term.  Finding the balance between taking care of herself verses caring for others has been an on-going process. Happens to a lot of us moms.   I wrote a blog, Take a Walk.  Susan read it and called me up.  She said, "I read your blog and that's it, I am doing it."  You probably can surmise at this point, when Susan sets her mind to it, she is unstoppable.  Recognizing how difficult it is to make it a priority in her already loaded daily schedule, Susan, after visiting her doctor for her four-year check up and seeing she was cancer free, sent out an e-mail to her friends. 

I am inviting all my friends, she declares, to celebrate with me in my five year anniversary of being cancer- free, by helping me raise $100,000.00 in taking on The Avon Walk For Breast Cancer, June of '08.  She has invited over 25 friends to participate with her.  She is on a mission,  not one, actually many. She is taking on her health and making walking a part of her life for the next year to prepare for the event.  By doing this as part of a group she is held accountable to her friends to ensure she prepares physically to take this on. She has publicly announced she is out to raise a very large sum for the foundation with the help of her friends.  The walk itself will accomplish a very special bonding experience to have with all her friends for two days.  An experience I promise you we all will never forget.

Susan is an inspiration to me and anyone who knows her. She wrote a chapter in a book, by Lori Ovitz, Facing The Mirror With Cancer. In this chapter she shares:

    "Lori Ovitz's visit enabled me to learn how to apply my make up in a very short period of time. Looking good and feeling good are a part of dealing with the many challenges that life during chemotherapy presents."

Lori helped her feel attractive by showing her how to apply make-up, even though she had no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes. Susan's friend, Michelle, states in this book:

"After my close friend Susan was diagnosed with breast cancer I could not sit on the sideline. I was honored to be able to send Lori to her home, watching her magical touch as she brought my girlfriend’s face back to life…..through the hardship of breast cancer, three women’s lives have been interwoven. We are truly blessed: Susan, Lori and I."
Michele Fisher

Susan has taken this life threatening experience and used it  to make herself stronger. After her recovery, she took on wanting to help others who are now going through the same trials and tribulations that come from getting breast cancer.  We, her friends, will be at her side, supporting her and what she stands for in life and love as we take on The Avon Walk For Breast Cancer next year.  Susan is a survivor and now a fighter.

If you are inspired by Susan and her story and think you too want to take on the challenge of  The Avon Walk For Breast Cancer, it will be good for your health and you will be donating to a worthy cause.  Do like Susan and form a group of friends to do it with. Bonus-The preparation to do the walk will put your body in shape. It will be an experience of a life time - for a lifetime.

An invasive case of breast cancer is diagnosed in the US every three minutes. One in eight women will be afflicted with breast cancer at some point in their life.  It is the leading cause of death due to cancer among women.  We are going to put up a fight!!!   Come join us. If you are interested in donating to the cause, just e-mail Susan at: [email protected].

Here is a web site I found to prepare all interested parties for this two-day challenge.  GO FOR IT!!!!  You will see us there!

                                                 Prepare For The Avon Walk

When Enough is Enough

Have you ever had a friend or family member that has suffered a drastic circumstance in their life and became dysfunctional across the board: work, social situations taking care of themselves?  I have had a few situations in my life that hit me pretty darn hard and had a long term effect on me. I had to deliver a baby at six month pregnant and hold him in my arms for hours as he slowly died, and the divorce a few years later was a serious failure for me..  When I say long term that means not only did they affect me, they affected anyone that was around me.   For a loved one it is very understandable to be compassionate, sympathetic and forgiving of a person who is in devastation mode.  What about when they become paralyzed - imobile in this mode and cannot find their way out?  What do you do?   

                                                                                                                                                         

Therapists diagnose people who are trapped in this state as having Post traumatic disorder. Depression is another common diagnosis.  There is a process by which rumination of feeling pain and sadness just consumes the person. They are in a state where they cannot function well.  Many have turned to doctors or therapists for support.  Exercise is known to cut depression by 50%.  But some don’t have the strength initially to even get started. There are anti-depressants that over the long term reset our brain into feeling well once again.  There are ways to pull a person out of this state.  What does it take to get the person to want to take on their life and make changes so they thrive in life once again and achieve happiness?   

                                                                                                                                           

My friend, I will call, Donna, told me today, “I am done with her.(referring to her family member who is suffering still)  After they lay the stone this week. (The dedication stone) I will not allow her at my house anymore.”  Donna's family member (I will refer to her as Sue)is still in mourning over the loss of her daughter. Donna and her husband are the most giving people I know. They have been her support and staff for the last three years. Sue lost her one and only daughter that was like her best friend to Cancer.  Her daughter went to a very prestigious college, was an "A" student, only to find out in her freshman year she had stage four cancer.  A rare but very aggressive cancer. Understandable, the mother is depressed. Sue has been in mourning three years in duration, when is she going to come out of it and start making a difference for herself in her life once again? Her ongoing negativity in conversation has reached a level, that Donna cannot take hearing anymore. She feels Sue has become a leech sucking her dry of all her energy. Her inability to take on responsibilities in her life has made more work for Donna.  Donna has a life full of responsibilities as it is.  Don’t we all.  Donna’s frustration that she is not trying to move out of this state has evolved into anger and resentment, leaving her intolerant of it all. Donna also says she feels letting her keep going like this is enabling her to stay in this mode.  “Enough is enough,” she says. 

          

          Do you write off a person that has suffered such tragedy in their life due to their behavior that followed?  I offered Donna a couple of suggestions.  Donna was choosing to distance herself…but now she wants to make the distance permanent.  She has been on the receiving end of far too much. One option is to have a family intervention with Sue where a therapist directs the discussion of the problems. What if they are unwilling? The other is to sit down and write her a letter.

                                                                        

           You have nothing to lose if you are at the point of letting go anyway.  Tell Sue how you understand she has suffered a great loss, a great tragedy, and you have done your best to be supportive.  Explain how you gave some room in certain situations where you normally wouldn’t have.  But there is only so much you can give.  Proclaim at this point, how in order for the relationship to move forward, Sue, will have to put aside the pain that has made her so dysfunctional and work on taking baby steps to get back on track.  Tell her you have given to your limits and need her to start reciprocating; start taking on her duties in the family.  Be more careful with what she says, her pain is not an excuse to verbally attack somebody. At the point you are ready to write someone off, you have nothing to lose by sending such a letter.  It is a form of tough love. When they read the letter they have time to absorb what you have written before they respond to you; maybe a day or a week or even a month.  They also cannot interrupt you while you share your thoughts with defensive remarks.  Lastly, there are books available to help people out of these states.

                                                                                                                

           I have found a couple of books when dealing with such tragedies that have helped me out of depressive times. Heart Wounds, by Tian Dayton, is a great book for learning how to manage pain from a large trauma of any sort.  And, Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman is a great read you can use not just for a huge tragedy but even for a pick me upper. For those going through divorce, there is, Growing Through Divorce, by Jim Smoke. The beauty of having books is, you can ready them when you’re good and ready, and for as long as you want at any given time.

                                                    

I remember when I was going through rough times, and after a few months, my friends pointed out how I needed to let it go.  It was consuming me.  I heard them.  I also caught myself always talking about the same situation one too many times. My friends started making the phone calls shorter. It was a wake up call. I saw I needed to move on. I turned to a therapist.  I turned to books.  I thank you friends for instead of just running away, being honest enough to me to tell me it was time to move on with my life.  They did it in a kind and loving way, but were very effective.  You know who you are.

                                                                                                                               

If you have a friend who is suffering from the effects of a traumatic experience in their life and you are feeling the need to distance yourself, try at first to be honest with them about how you see it consuming them.  Explain that you feel they need to move on, and cut their ties from their grief.  Offer them a couple books they can read dealing with their situation. Politely nudge them more and more after you have the discussion so they catch themselves in the conversation.  Hopefully, they will see the light before you have to cut them out of your life in order to save yourself. 

                                                         

Best of luck to you and yours.

The Aftermath

     We have all been in intense situations with someone where emotions have run high and we lost our cool.  There is this period afterward I call the aftermath.  You know, where possibly you don’t want to talk to person, fear talking to the person, possibly don’t know where to start? My last topic I shared with you was about where my son and I went head to head.  Emotions ran high on both ends.  Anger and frustration by both of us ensued.  We were unable to complete this issue in a calm matter where we both felt better.  For us it was not until the next day that we would talk.  He had school; I had the other kids to take care of.

     So the next day comes, and I drop my other kids off to school.   I hop on the computer, something I do daily and sure enough late morning I see his sign on.  Now I love this kid like no other, though know we did not leave things on a pretty note.  I want things resolved.  I want to clean up the aftermath.  I like e-mails and text messages at times like this.  It is easier to communicate rather than go face to face, at least initially. I start the conversation with the typical greeting of “Hi”.  He responded back in kind.  I saw an opening to continue the conversation.  So, I dove right in. I text, “I am sorry for yelling at you last night.  You know I was angry and upset.  Imagine spending an hour and a half hunting you down as the clock is ticking and you have an important place to be at.” He writes back, “I’m sorry.”

     At this point, in the aftermath, when the emotions on both sides have subsided to some degree.  I think it is a great time to really share with the other person what fueled the emotion, the intensity of your upset.  In Buddhism, I have leaned, that our feelings originate from two things, either fear or love.  When angered, I can tell you, in this case fear was definitely present.  So, I shared with my son, how I was frightened.  I did not want him to be a no show.  This can make people look down upon you, find you not reliable, and find you not trustworthy.  I love him so much.  I wanted to make sure we got him there, for his sake. My son always says he wants to be a leader; those characteristics in a person will not get him there.  So, I got upset. I did not want the coach to look down upon him, or his teammates.  I fought like heck to find him to avoid such a scenario.

When I did not find him I was angry and upset not just at him but the situation.  It just didn’t look good. I shared with him how after a while I started to be concerned if he was physically okay and then how I became afraid for his safety.  That by the time I found him, my emotions got the best of me, and I just let him have it.  In the book, Six Seconds to True Calm, by Robert Simon Sigel, Robert explains, how it has been scientifically proven when our emotions run high the part of the brain that controls our intelligence does not work as effectively.  We “lose it”.  C’mon, how many of us have had those moments when we just lost it.  It is human.  In this situation, I lost it. 

     I explained to my son, now in a more calm matter, how I really want him to be more effective in certain areas of his life, and I am here to help. It is up to him to implement strategies that will protect him from such break downs.  He was more able to hear me the next day.  He said he understood he screwed up and agreed he wanted to clean this mess up with his coach, and he will always have his phone with him on important days.  The specific event is not so important.  More importantly, for both of us was to recognize he is growing up. I cannot protect him from every dire situation. I want him grow to be responsible and handle things effectively on his own.  He will call to replace the book he lost today. As I prod him to be more independent, I need to let him drop the ball and pick it up again with out coming to his rescue all the time.  And not get so crazy when he drops it.  He is still learning. At 16, I want to let him spread his wings a little.  Just wait till he has his first fender bender.  That will be a test at how well I am handling this teenage thing in my household. See if I will eat my words. Just kidding.

     Later that day, I picked him up from school.  He comes home for the weekends.  I gave him the keys to the car to drive us home.  I moved over into the passenger seat.  It was my message to him that I will hand over some control, we will go through this together, both making some mistakes along the way.

     Who are you in aftermath? Do you have a system set in place for how to clean up your mess? For me, I always want the other person to know I care about him. Then I want him to know personally what was behind my anger and upset.  In this case, I was frightened for him. Well, I also wanted him to realize I spent a lot of time in my life to be there for him and he did not show.  Recognize how his actions or lack of them impacts other people. I then wanted to own up for my responsibility in the matter, loosing my cool.  To follow was to devise a plan for the future so things can work better.  And lastly, let him know I forgive him, and I hope he forgives me too.