Robin Reports From In The Thick Of It

Teenage Drinking Ends in Tragic Death

Close to home, where I have lived for over 13 years, a tragic death of an inebriated teen happened once again. A group of teens came up with a zany idea to drink and then go on top of a warehouse roof to see the city lights-this is what happened next: Delay In Rescue Of Girl  The result is a 17 year old girl dying from a tragic accident.  Sadly, she had fallen through a skylight that gave in to her weight and dropped five stories. For over two hours her friends refused to call 911, due to their being in an alcoholic state and not wanting to be caught. Forever, the question will be unanswered - would they have saved her life had they called for help sooner?  No one will know for certain, ever.

The issue of alcohol and teenagers has been around for as long as I can remember.  It still pains you to hear of unnecessary deaths of teens who could have really impacted this world in a positive way, if it were not for some careless behavior that lead them to an early death. I look at the events that occurred for this group of teens and wonder why the heck they were out in the city at midnight in the first place.  Their curfew was midnight.  I have learned, through friends, the group went up to get a clear view of the city skyline at night. They gained entrance to the roof by someone connected to a person who owned one of the adjacent spaces to the warehouse, where this girl had fallen in.  Okay, so now they are on the roof.  What next- they decide to walk on large pains of glass?  Alcohol certainly blinded them to the risks they were taking.  Logic did not come into play. I think the worse part about drugs and alcohol is how they do blind our senses. 

I have tried my best so far to instill in my children the need to always calculate the risk/reward ratio in anything they take on in life. If only they don't succumb to peer pressure. I am sure this played into this tragic scenario last weekend. What is the worse thing that can happen for the trade-off of the reward you are aspiring for? Life is risky enough when you are sober and clear headed, add a drug of some sort and how can one accurately gage the risks they are taking?  So many unnecessary tragic deaths have occurred in our area in recent years to teenagers.  It is painful to hear.  It angers me.  My kids have not passed through there teenage years fully at this point, so surly I cannot say I have been successful in my ways as of yet. However, I hope they can learn from the teenagers who lost their lives, the dangers of drugs and alcohol.

This is the glass pane the girl fell through. Why did the kids risk walking on this glass skylight, five stories high?  Nothing is worth dying for! I cannot imagine how the teenagers that were with this girl who died will ever get over their part in her death.  It will forever haunt them.  Was the risk worth the reward?  Lastly, given they were in a drunken state, they refused to call 911 for help, they did not want to get caught under the influence. They abandoned their friend in her greatest hour of need.  Over two hours passed before someone who was not a friend of this girl called 911 for help.  They look selfish, negligent, dishonest, and weak.  How will they get past who they were for trying to cover up their own mistakes here? 

This is a sad and tragic real life story to add to the novel of tragic and unnecessary deaths that occur from teenage drinking. This beautiful girl will never set foot on this earth again. Many will forever morn her loss. Share this story with your pre-teen or teen.  It is one more reason not to go out with  friends and take on illegal substances for the cheap thrill one can get.  It is not worth dying for.   

The Danger Of What Our Children Are Exposed To

I am deeply saddened by the tragic shooting of over 40 people at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg VA.  Not only am I saddened and angered, I am deeply disturbed. I am sure I am not alone in this.  I have read in depth on the massacre and  what the student, Cho Seung-Hui wrote as to why he took on such a grizzly act. He was seriously mentally ill and obviously a threat to society for a few years now.  There are two major concerns that stand out for me.  One-why was the school or the police, after being notified of the disturbing behavior he was demonstrating, not able to have better control over this person and the people he was associated with? Should a private investigator, or monitor of some sort been assigned to keep an eye on him? The other concern, a serious concern, is where did all this anger- rage originate? 

The only way to put an end to tragedies like this from occurring is to have an educated understanding on what events lead a person in becoming so angry that he takes on killing so many people including himself. We need to have preventative measures taking place in society to lessen the chances of people taking on mass murders for revenge. It will have to be implemented in the schools, starting in grade school. In one study, I read that they have found a high correlation with high school shooters being kids with a history of being teased and picked on. We are forced to study the life of this killer prior to this disastrous event. Too easy to say he was just a sick man and not look further. However, if we only look to blame him and call him emotionally disturbed, and do not dig further for the responsibility society plays into it, we will see more and more of these events occurring in the future.  And tragically so, the amount being killed in these scenarios is becoming greater.

Bullying is abuse!.  I was not surprised in the least to see there were suggestions in his writing of being picked on and bullied. How haunting were his words, "You have vandalized my heart, raped my soul and torched my conscience," he goes on to say, "You thought it was one pathetic boy's life you were extinguishing, Thanks to you I die like Jesus Christ, to inspire generations of the weak and the defenseless people." We may call him sick and deranged, and choose to play down those words.  What I hear is someone who felt trampled on. I saw no hope of ever being accepted. He was someone who over time has been seriously wounded and wanted to hurt back.  I hope there is a full investigation into his childhood and what significant events took place or what seemed insignificant and how it truly ended up creating a young adult- out to retaliate against all his aggressors.

The most recent report on how Cho was bullied came out in an article on AOL today:

Classmates in Virginia , where Cho grew up, said he was teased and picked on, apparently because of shyness and his strange, mumbly way of speaking.

Once, in English class at Westfield High School in Chantilly, Va., when the teacher had the students read aloud, Cho looked down when it was his turn, said Chris Davids, a Virginia Tech senior and high school classmate. After the teacher threatened him with an F for participation, Cho began reading in a strange, deep voice that sounded "like he had something in his mouth," Davids said.

"The whole class started laughing and pointing and saying, `Go back to China,"' Davids said.

This is a sad event for us all on a universal level.  He is a statistic in society now, an ugly statistic. We have failed him and his victims. He is one who felt he had to harm others in revenge and then take his own life to send a strong message to we the living. There has been controversey as to weather airing it on TV is appropriate.  I think with responsible reporting we can learn from this.  How can we in society make changes and take on preventive measures so children do not evolve into angry, hostile and vengeful adults? Where were the teachers and the administration to support Cho through hard times through grade school and then high school?  Why was teasing and bullying tolerated?  Why was there no one to teach him coping mechanisms to handle such difficult situations?  Why did the bullies not  have serious consequences for their actions? Lastly, we need to figure out how to stop copy cat crimes.  Where it becomes trendy to follow what other offenders have done. We need to stop the vicious cycle of mass killings of students.

One of my children had been bullied in middle school.  One incident was, a group of boys took on spitting on my seventh grader's food at lunch during school, resulting in their being punished.  What followed was other boys, friends of the perpetrators, pushing my kid into lockers in the hallways between classes retaliating for the boys being punished.  I remember the pain my child felt, the anger-humilation. After the incident, he did not want to go to school and would yell at me saying so. He said he hated school.  I spoke with the administrators of the school.  They were having issues with boys in the class and how newcomers to the school were having difficulty fitting in and being accepted.  They explained how this year specifically they were having problems with the boys in the class. The good thing was how serious the school took it on, making sure my child could be comfortable in the school once again. They talked with all the parents and all the instigators and serious consequences resulted.  They hooked my child up with other kids during lunchtime.  They brought in specialists to work on handling the bullying that was going on. With all the crisis management the school took on, I think for my child he still has a sensitivity to being teased years later.

The wounds from such bullying go deep. I removed my child from the class he was in and put him in another school, where he is accepted, having fun with others and thriving.  But I will never forget the emotional damage and the duration it took to heal from his  middle school bullies. He would share how they all laughed at him as they were hurting him, crying as he shared the tale. Bullying in school needs to be monitored and controlled.  Right now I have a friend dealing with the same kind of issue with her son in sixth grade, I see the pain in her face as she shares how  a child has threatened her son and picked on him. She is keeping a close eye on the day to day events he experiences. Sadly, the school denies anything she has said about what has happened with him. And yet her child fears going into certain classes each and every day. I believe the school is doing themselves a disservice and the children that attend the school. At the very least their response should be, we have not seen it as of yet, we want all our children to feel safe and welcome here.  We will take a serious look at what happens during these classes and how your child is being treated. How difficult would that be?

Is it that these killers are kids that tried for years to be accepted and were only teased and bullied? Their sadness and frustration evolves into anger and resentment.  No longer able to get positive attention they seek negative attention.  Which would explain the gory plays Cho wrote, or how he would take pictures of girls legs etc. making classmates uncomfortable.  His resentment festered into evil thoughts on how to retaliate and eventually did.

The family has finally spoken.  His sister pointed out how they were a peaceful loving family, she further went on to say how Cho was quiet and reserved yet struggled to fit in.

For further understanding on the tragedies that come with being bullied or being the bully, check out this unfortunate but true story in paper back, Bully: Does Anyone Deserve To Die? A True Story of High School Revenge, by Jim Schutze. Possibly schools should have required reading on the topic.

Children are a product of their genes and then in society with what they are exposed to. Seriously, though, how many babies or toddlers for that matter do you look at and feel deeply concerned they may kill 30 or so people in anger with a gun in years to come? How about when they are five for that matter? You know, the age we say, basically who they are is pretty much determined by then. I have never.  I believe come the school years, what children are exposed to plays a major role in how they behave later in life.  We let our children into society for the majority of their day starting at 6 years old.  They are home but a few hours with their parents.  We therefore lose a lot of control over what events happen during their day and the effects they have. It is not only during school, but after school.  They are exposed to music and movies and TV that as far as I am concerned have totally inappropriate material for their impressionable minds to be exposed to. If they are not exposed in their own home they will be exposed in a friends home.

At what point will we as a society step in and refuse certain material to be watched , heard or seen by our children of all ages? We complain of how sexually active our children are being at younger and younger ages.  We get angered by the violence they express towards their peers in words or actions.  This is a reflection of what they have been exposed to coming out in their acts. We need to limit the graphic material our children are exposed to.  It starts at home, but  that is not enough.  There is power in numbers.  We need to gather together and shut down the sites that expose our children to inappropriate material that leads them on a bad path toward destruction to themselves or others. I am talking about sites on the computer, on TV on the radio. Right now I have to go into a school and notify them I am disturbed by the sexually explicit music that is being played during middle school sporting events. What kind of example are we setting allowing such music to shout from the school speakers? 

How many disturbing events will take place before we recognize the need to band together for the sake of all and make sure we better control what our children see, hear, or experience?  With the freedoms we are allowed in society-we are therefore also given the responsibility to monitor on our own what we will tolerate and what we will not. We need to notify the schools when we see something inappropriate taking place. Shut down the channels on the TV or the sites on the computer that contain inappropriate material. If we refuse to watch this stuff the shows will be taken off the air given there is no audience. We have power. We need to take action-every little bit counts!  Does it anger you to hear how the actions of Cho, who killed all these students, emulated people in movies?  Cho had a photo of himself that he sent to NBC where he held a hammer, he posed like the guy in a South Korean Film, "Old Boy".  How often do we see our kids act out actions they see on film after the viewing?  What they are exposed to is impressed on their minds. The more they are exposed to certain behaviors the more it appears natural to them. 

This is an awful way to have to learn  lessons, but shameful if we don't. We need to recognize the problem  early on, during grade school years. Early intervention can save many lives.  Coping mechanisms need to be taught to those who have been mistreated.  A zero tolerance policy  need to be enforced against any abuse in the classroom or any other organized setting. Lastly, for those who walk around angry and depressed, we need to be able to identify them and get them help before it is too late for them and anyone else around them.  God help us all.

My heart goes out to all the victims and their loved ones.  The pain will be felt for years to come.

Good Things Come In Threes

My baby is not a baby anymore. That’s right my little caboose is now a much bigger caboose.  I went to a choir concert last night and watched her sing with her choir group. Just looking up at her, I saw a young girl becoming a young women.  Her birthday is at the end of March.  She will be twelve. Time moves swiftly. I remember at birth fearing the "third child syndrome."  Though being born as number three you have to share the attention, she has faired well for herself, and has been an important element in our family dynamic.

An interesting book to turn to on birth order and how it effects you is, The New Birth Order Book: Why You Are theWay You Are, by Kevin Lehman.

I remember a few years back when she was in the stage of, “Mom I won’t wear anything pink or purple.” Dresses and skirts were out of the question, and if forced, boy did we pay.  She just looked miserable. She hated wearing shoes.  Time after time when we were to go somewhere, I would find her barefoot and shoeless.  Back in the house I would send her for those shoes, that she hated to wear. She was seriously a tom boy.  She liked gymnastics, but it was a “no way” to ballet.  She hung out with all the boys, always trying to prove she was just as apt as they were.  This year she is in sixth grade and my little caterpillar is metamorphosizing into a butterfly.

This year is all pink! That’s right.  She loves wearing it and skirts have been protocol.  She is up early in the morning to straighten her wavy hair.  Now, I love her wavy hair. She feels when her hair  is straight, it is so much more "pretty."   The cutest part is watching her check herself out in the mirror with a gleam of pride or disgust, which leads to a quick wardrobe change. She dances around the house now.  And her latest is showing me cheers she has made up. She practices singly her solos in the car and at home-my little song bird. I seriously laugh at times, in astonishment, at how much she has changed into a "girly girl" in such a short period of time.  She just melts me.

3... Is there something special about number three, or your baby? Where you just don’t want to see they are growing up or don’t expect it?  For me, I watch her go through these stages and truly embrace each one.  She is my last child, my last baby to nurture and hold on to.  And she is evolving into quite the independent pre-teen.

Being the third child, I was concerned for her. I have heard and read many articles on birth order and how it affects people.  I have watched her feel inferior to her older siblings. At times she wants my attention and I am too busy for her and she walks away with a forlorn look on her face. I have watched her older brother and sister make fun of her or call her stupid at times.  I have seen her run in absolute fear from her older sister, when they bicker.  Now don’t get me wrong, they have great moments.  I have seen them all get a long quite well at times, playing the computer, putting together puzzles, going to town together on their scooters, etc…  and the nights where she falls asleep next to one of them in their bed, another melt my heart moment.  So, it is not always the case that being the third child means living a life void of the spot light. It can be difficult as a parent , however, in moments, when she is not able to perform at her sibling's level, and I see on her face sheer disappointment. I have signed her up to go to camp for a few weeks so she can experience living with age equivalent peers and not be the youngest for a while, a place where she can have verification she is achieving well for her age.

So, after years of concern for number three, I see she is thriving. She still has those moments where she feels inferior to her older siblings. When she does not achieve something easily, she can feel inadequate at times. She still fights for my attention at times and says you don’t love me like you love so and so. Even when writing this blog, she has frequently asked if I have written one about her. She wants to see she is special in my eyes. These moments just pull at my heart strings. I have not forgotten you number three.... Recently, she has had shining moments; she and a friend made a nice dinner for all of us. They set up the table and had everything in place. It was very well done.She shined on stage in a theater production in the fall, dancing and singing.  She will be performing in her school production, The King and I, in the spring. Her siblings are not in theater, this is her area to shine.  There was her first solo song she sang in a concert recently.  We just had a shopping day, just the two of us, and she lead the way. My baby is growing up and achieving in many areas. 

I felt quite protective of her over the years.  Through the process, I have learned there are some advantages to being number three. From the family standpoint, she has learned how to be a negotiator with her siblings. She works well in group settings.  The teachers have complimented her on how well she operates with grace when there is a conflict within the group.  She has many friends. She is very sensitive to other people’s feelings.  These kinds of gifts with number three are not so unique.  Number three can be quite the gifted number.  Peter Morrel, a medical historian from the UK sites:

“They are thus often the most intelligent, sociable and subtle members of the family group. Rather than being innate, they probably develop these skills out of a need to do so; its arises from the situation they are in. They acquire subtle diplomatic and social skills in order to maintain their position in all the conflicting power dynamics of the family group. Thus they feel impelled to reason and communicate, plead with others and to operate shuttle diplomacy with everyone.”

Read more on his understanding of the third child or the baby of the family here, The Third Child. Now that my little baby is no longer a baby any more, I am celebrating her becoming the cute little pre-teen, who has great pride in the boys in her grade finding her cute, taking charge of social situations, and putting great care in her appearance. And right now, I am off to watch her team compete for the championship in an indoor soccer league.   Three Cheers for number 3!

When Enough is Enough

Have you ever had a friend or family member that has suffered a drastic circumstance in their life and became dysfunctional across the board: work, social situations taking care of themselves?  I have had a few situations in my life that hit me pretty darn hard and had a long term effect on me. I had to deliver a baby at six month pregnant and hold him in my arms for hours as he slowly died, and the divorce a few years later was a serious failure for me..  When I say long term that means not only did they affect me, they affected anyone that was around me.   For a loved one it is very understandable to be compassionate, sympathetic and forgiving of a person who is in devastation mode.  What about when they become paralyzed - imobile in this mode and cannot find their way out?  What do you do?   

                                                                                                                                                         

Therapists diagnose people who are trapped in this state as having Post traumatic disorder. Depression is another common diagnosis.  There is a process by which rumination of feeling pain and sadness just consumes the person. They are in a state where they cannot function well.  Many have turned to doctors or therapists for support.  Exercise is known to cut depression by 50%.  But some don’t have the strength initially to even get started. There are anti-depressants that over the long term reset our brain into feeling well once again.  There are ways to pull a person out of this state.  What does it take to get the person to want to take on their life and make changes so they thrive in life once again and achieve happiness?   

                                                                                                                                           

My friend, I will call, Donna, told me today, “I am done with her.(referring to her family member who is suffering still)  After they lay the stone this week. (The dedication stone) I will not allow her at my house anymore.”  Donna's family member (I will refer to her as Sue)is still in mourning over the loss of her daughter. Donna and her husband are the most giving people I know. They have been her support and staff for the last three years. Sue lost her one and only daughter that was like her best friend to Cancer.  Her daughter went to a very prestigious college, was an "A" student, only to find out in her freshman year she had stage four cancer.  A rare but very aggressive cancer. Understandable, the mother is depressed. Sue has been in mourning three years in duration, when is she going to come out of it and start making a difference for herself in her life once again? Her ongoing negativity in conversation has reached a level, that Donna cannot take hearing anymore. She feels Sue has become a leech sucking her dry of all her energy. Her inability to take on responsibilities in her life has made more work for Donna.  Donna has a life full of responsibilities as it is.  Don’t we all.  Donna’s frustration that she is not trying to move out of this state has evolved into anger and resentment, leaving her intolerant of it all. Donna also says she feels letting her keep going like this is enabling her to stay in this mode.  “Enough is enough,” she says. 

          

          Do you write off a person that has suffered such tragedy in their life due to their behavior that followed?  I offered Donna a couple of suggestions.  Donna was choosing to distance herself…but now she wants to make the distance permanent.  She has been on the receiving end of far too much. One option is to have a family intervention with Sue where a therapist directs the discussion of the problems. What if they are unwilling? The other is to sit down and write her a letter.

                                                                        

           You have nothing to lose if you are at the point of letting go anyway.  Tell Sue how you understand she has suffered a great loss, a great tragedy, and you have done your best to be supportive.  Explain how you gave some room in certain situations where you normally wouldn’t have.  But there is only so much you can give.  Proclaim at this point, how in order for the relationship to move forward, Sue, will have to put aside the pain that has made her so dysfunctional and work on taking baby steps to get back on track.  Tell her you have given to your limits and need her to start reciprocating; start taking on her duties in the family.  Be more careful with what she says, her pain is not an excuse to verbally attack somebody. At the point you are ready to write someone off, you have nothing to lose by sending such a letter.  It is a form of tough love. When they read the letter they have time to absorb what you have written before they respond to you; maybe a day or a week or even a month.  They also cannot interrupt you while you share your thoughts with defensive remarks.  Lastly, there are books available to help people out of these states.

                                                                                                                

           I have found a couple of books when dealing with such tragedies that have helped me out of depressive times. Heart Wounds, by Tian Dayton, is a great book for learning how to manage pain from a large trauma of any sort.  And, Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman is a great read you can use not just for a huge tragedy but even for a pick me upper. For those going through divorce, there is, Growing Through Divorce, by Jim Smoke. The beauty of having books is, you can ready them when you’re good and ready, and for as long as you want at any given time.

                                                    

I remember when I was going through rough times, and after a few months, my friends pointed out how I needed to let it go.  It was consuming me.  I heard them.  I also caught myself always talking about the same situation one too many times. My friends started making the phone calls shorter. It was a wake up call. I saw I needed to move on. I turned to a therapist.  I turned to books.  I thank you friends for instead of just running away, being honest enough to me to tell me it was time to move on with my life.  They did it in a kind and loving way, but were very effective.  You know who you are.

                                                                                                                               

If you have a friend who is suffering from the effects of a traumatic experience in their life and you are feeling the need to distance yourself, try at first to be honest with them about how you see it consuming them.  Explain that you feel they need to move on, and cut their ties from their grief.  Offer them a couple books they can read dealing with their situation. Politely nudge them more and more after you have the discussion so they catch themselves in the conversation.  Hopefully, they will see the light before you have to cut them out of your life in order to save yourself. 

                                                         

Best of luck to you and yours.

Let Dicipline be your Disciple

       I remember the days when watching TV was touted as the vice that was causing children to get fat, and sitting in front of the TV too long was bad for your eyes. Then Video games came along and the elders warned of kids playing games for hours and not getting things done. Today, we are hearing now how interactive games on the computer are the vice. Over 40% of World of War (WOW) craft players are addicted to the game. Some are playing the game seven days a week, the majority of each day. No surprise that homework is not getting done, socializing with friends and family non existent, and going to work late if at all.

       At home, I have had to manage the time spent on the game by my children, and their friends had parents monitoring their game time as well. One parent literally broke a $400.00 screen in frustration. The passion for the game is consuming people. The most recent claim is, the game is set up in such a way that the area of your brain, the reward center, gets loaded with dopamine. Therefore, causing the player to not want to stop playing. WOW addicts are turning for help to centers for addiction. The Smith and Jones addiction consultancy in the Netherlands compares the symptoms of withdrawal characteristic to the same withdrawal symptoms from chemical dependence. Upon reading this you may think well, that is in the Netherlands how bout us in America? The McLean Hospital in Massachusetts has had many patients come in to gain control over their addiction to WOW.

       We can point fingers at the makers of WOW as the villain. And there are people suing as I write this, for their kids becoming addicted. No lie. Easy to point the finger... I see the problem boiling down to a lack of discipline. Anything can be called addictive if in fact it gets in the way of other areas of your life; work, golf, fishing, tennis, shopping, hanging with friends. How bout the kids instant messaging their buddies all night? I had a friend who told me she would loose her husband to golf six months a year. It was a big issue in their marriage. At times like these, it is important to recognize discipline is your friend. It is your power to effectively get things done and not become an addict of any sort. The best lesson I think here for any person is to acknowledge when any activity is taking away from other priorities in your life. I remember playing tennis years ago and wanting to advance to the top of the club. I made it to the top, however, my spouse pointed out to me how I was not effectively managing other things at home as well as I could. My love of the sport evolved into my playing five times a week with young children at home. My new passion was consuming my time. I had to open my eyes to my love of the sport interfering with my priorities at home and for myself in other areas.

       I have a friend who has been suffering from a lot of stress at work and at home handling all her responsibilities. I have watched it take it's toll on her this last year. She has done very well in her new business, selling real estate, and her numbers are noteworthy. However, physically and mentally she is falling apart. Lack of sleep has come in, issues with the kids, her spouse, and a 20 pound weight gain. I have talked with her about putting exercise in her life. Exercise can diminish your stress level by 50%. My friend is a very conscientious person. She always makes time for everyone across the board but has not made time taking care of herself; a top priority in her life that needs to be managed. Her addiction is to be there for others. Time to acknowledge her body needs attention and make changes in her life now. Addiction comes in so many forms.

       Sometimes the best way to teach our children is to first see how we ourselves have mishandled situations in our life. It makes it easier to sympathize with our children when they are in the thick of it from mismanagement. I have seen my passion for things start to interfere in my life. It makes it easier for me to sympathies with my children how it can sneak up on you. Are you spending too much time in one area of your life and not effectively managing other priorities? Are you not scheduling things that should be scheduled in your daily routine; doctor appointments, working out, making time for mom and dad, how bout time to unwind? It boils down to time management. Also, know your priorities. This last month, I have taken on teaching my kids time management. I have looked over my own routines to see how I am balancing responsibilities. I have always stressed getting things done. It was not enough. We are going through the process of figuring out for each member of our family what priorities they have and listing them. Then fitting them into our schedule so they can implement them in their life, effectively.

       Our latest is "synchronizing schedules". We have chosen Sunday nights as the night to make sure everyone is aware what is on tap for the week. Each person in the family is responsible on their own for filling in their daily calendar for the week. They need to learn to manage their own schedule. It takes time to get comfortable making this new habit fit in our schedules. Trust me, it is work in progress. We have learned- It is a priority! The lesson is simple; discipline is your friend. Don't run from it , embrace it. It is being intentional in your life so you can get things done. Let no activity interfere with other major priorities. The dopamine should start pouring in their little brains when they see they are effectively managing activities in their life, and for us parents as well. When the kids started blocking off time in their schedules it was easier for them to see, in black and white, there is not enough time in their life to play five hours of any game at any given time. It was easy for them to see it would be an unhealthy addiction.

If your children don't know when enough is enough, put a time limit on the amount of time they spend doing certain activities. After the time is up-shut it down.  This also prevents a fight with you.  They know their limits ahead of time.

New Driver In The House

I am very happy to see my blog has made a difference already. Thank you to those who know me who have already written in response . I have added “e-mail me” on the left column so you can share your thoughts with me and possibly what you would like to see in upcoming blogs.

I have a friend who has a new driver in her home. It has made her husband quite nervous at times when their son leaves the house. Maybe you have heard of the group of kids who died in Ottawa just recently, joy riding at 2 AM in the morning. In our neck of the woods, several very unfortunate accidents have occurred, very “unnecessary” accidents have occurred. A friend who read my blog sent to me this article about teens that have died in Oswego and why it was unecessary.http://www.dailyherald.com/opinion/goudie.asp?id=282702

In this article there are some great rules set up by a parent for the safety of their children during these years. Please check them out.

It is quite nerve racking to hand over the keys and hope they will be safe out there on the roads. I was happy to see the new requirements for teenagers to follow before and upon getting their license in Illinois. If not in Illinois, check the laws in your state. Here, teens under 18 are required to drive with a parent for 50 hours and turn in a detailed sheet of the driving conditions and the times of each trip. After they get their license, for the first six months they are only allowed one non-family member in the car while they are driving. This is great, there is no peer pressure as it is against the law. State Representative David Leitch is pushing legislation that requires drivers under 18 to attach a sign to their vehicle saying, “New Driver,” As for me, I am for anything that can provide extra safety to these new drivers. It takes years to gain experience behind the wheel; not just a 3 month drivers ed class.

My friend brought up how their son was gone for over a couple of hours. Her husband was not comfortable that he had not heard from him. They tried to call his phone and there was no response. The Dad got in the car and went to hunt him down. The next day my friend shared how stressful it was that night. My suggestion at the time was to have their son write down the name and addresses of all his friends he usually hangs out with, and keep it in the kitchen. So, in the future they have a better chance of making contact with him. If he is going out with someone not on the list have a rule made that requires him to leave his name and number with you before he leaves. The other rule is for any teen driver to check in with his parents every two hours to verify they are okay. If they change locations, they are to call at the time they are leaving.

I was fortunate enough to have an agent from Farmers Insurance that required my son to meet in the office ( required by company for all new drivers) with him for an hour to talk about his responsibilities on the road before my son could be insured. This was quite informative. It is also more effective when they hear it from someone besides mom and dad sometimes. He talked about drinking and driving, how to handle accidents, the rise in insurance costs after having an accident etc. He also pointed out we should have rules written down at the house and have him sign off on them before we hand over the keys. So he is clear what is expected of him and the consequences if he breaks the rules. This was a great suggestion.

Bottom line for our new drivers is to realize this is all about their safety. The number one cause of death among teenagers is from car accidents. Driving is a huge responsibility. I find it even questionable that we let them drive before they graduate high school. My son would not like to hear this. My son’s school suggested a book for us to read for when our teen becomes a driver, Crashproof Your Kids: Make Your Teen a Smarter Driver by Timothy C. Smith. Every little bit of help is appreciated in preparing your child the best you can.

I have heard of so many accidents within a 30 mile vicinity in just the last year that have shaken me up as a parent. Kids three miles from my house speeding and end up crashing; one in critical condition, the other paralyzed from the waist down. A bunch of kids driving on neighborhood streets on homecoming day and the drivers starts playing games, hits a tree and teen passengers die as a consequence. It is no joke behind the wheel. We need to do our best to make our teens realize their life and the lives of others are in their hands when they take the wheel.

The Aftermath

     We have all been in intense situations with someone where emotions have run high and we lost our cool.  There is this period afterward I call the aftermath.  You know, where possibly you don’t want to talk to person, fear talking to the person, possibly don’t know where to start? My last topic I shared with you was about where my son and I went head to head.  Emotions ran high on both ends.  Anger and frustration by both of us ensued.  We were unable to complete this issue in a calm matter where we both felt better.  For us it was not until the next day that we would talk.  He had school; I had the other kids to take care of.

     So the next day comes, and I drop my other kids off to school.   I hop on the computer, something I do daily and sure enough late morning I see his sign on.  Now I love this kid like no other, though know we did not leave things on a pretty note.  I want things resolved.  I want to clean up the aftermath.  I like e-mails and text messages at times like this.  It is easier to communicate rather than go face to face, at least initially. I start the conversation with the typical greeting of “Hi”.  He responded back in kind.  I saw an opening to continue the conversation.  So, I dove right in. I text, “I am sorry for yelling at you last night.  You know I was angry and upset.  Imagine spending an hour and a half hunting you down as the clock is ticking and you have an important place to be at.” He writes back, “I’m sorry.”

     At this point, in the aftermath, when the emotions on both sides have subsided to some degree.  I think it is a great time to really share with the other person what fueled the emotion, the intensity of your upset.  In Buddhism, I have leaned, that our feelings originate from two things, either fear or love.  When angered, I can tell you, in this case fear was definitely present.  So, I shared with my son, how I was frightened.  I did not want him to be a no show.  This can make people look down upon you, find you not reliable, and find you not trustworthy.  I love him so much.  I wanted to make sure we got him there, for his sake. My son always says he wants to be a leader; those characteristics in a person will not get him there.  So, I got upset. I did not want the coach to look down upon him, or his teammates.  I fought like heck to find him to avoid such a scenario.

When I did not find him I was angry and upset not just at him but the situation.  It just didn’t look good. I shared with him how after a while I started to be concerned if he was physically okay and then how I became afraid for his safety.  That by the time I found him, my emotions got the best of me, and I just let him have it.  In the book, Six Seconds to True Calm, by Robert Simon Sigel, Robert explains, how it has been scientifically proven when our emotions run high the part of the brain that controls our intelligence does not work as effectively.  We “lose it”.  C’mon, how many of us have had those moments when we just lost it.  It is human.  In this situation, I lost it. 

     I explained to my son, now in a more calm matter, how I really want him to be more effective in certain areas of his life, and I am here to help. It is up to him to implement strategies that will protect him from such break downs.  He was more able to hear me the next day.  He said he understood he screwed up and agreed he wanted to clean this mess up with his coach, and he will always have his phone with him on important days.  The specific event is not so important.  More importantly, for both of us was to recognize he is growing up. I cannot protect him from every dire situation. I want him grow to be responsible and handle things effectively on his own.  He will call to replace the book he lost today. As I prod him to be more independent, I need to let him drop the ball and pick it up again with out coming to his rescue all the time.  And not get so crazy when he drops it.  He is still learning. At 16, I want to let him spread his wings a little.  Just wait till he has his first fender bender.  That will be a test at how well I am handling this teenage thing in my household. See if I will eat my words. Just kidding.

     Later that day, I picked him up from school.  He comes home for the weekends.  I gave him the keys to the car to drive us home.  I moved over into the passenger seat.  It was my message to him that I will hand over some control, we will go through this together, both making some mistakes along the way.

     Who are you in aftermath? Do you have a system set in place for how to clean up your mess? For me, I always want the other person to know I care about him. Then I want him to know personally what was behind my anger and upset.  In this case, I was frightened for him. Well, I also wanted him to realize I spent a lot of time in my life to be there for him and he did not show.  Recognize how his actions or lack of them impacts other people. I then wanted to own up for my responsibility in the matter, loosing my cool.  To follow was to devise a plan for the future so things can work better.  And lastly, let him know I forgive him, and I hope he forgives me too.