Robin Reports From In The Thick Of It

Divorce Happens...more than you know

     

Is it something in the water in our community? You certainly would think so if you lived in my neck of the woods. In the last couple of weeks, I have spoken to a handful of woman who have told me they are getting a divorce.  These are people in my community from all walks of life.  The number grew to such an extent I could not help but question if  a common denominator existed among them so I could reason why so many are breaking up a marriage at the same time. The only common denominator among the separations as of late was the ages of the children.  All but one of the separations had families with children that were pre-teens or older.  One was a break up due to an affair. Even in that case an affair is typically a sign that something was not being fulfilled  in the marriage prior.

                                                      

       Most these woman have been married for 15 years plus. I could see the pain, fear and shock in their faces.  After so many years of living a life of so called stability...all of a sudden these people are thrown in the pool of single people with broken marriages.  It is a hard pill to swallow. I know..I was one of them. Though you try to rationalize this is not the case, you feel like you have a stigma to live with now that you were not able to keep your marriage in tact. Now you are faced with the question, where do you go from here?

                                                            

       Being single is a much more acceptable state these days..so don't feel like you wear a scarlet letter upon your chest. And, only 7% of married people are truly content in their marriage.  Would you really want to remain in a marriage that was unfulfilling just to say you were married? Would you want to do it for your children?  Even then ..it is like you are showing your children staying married and being miserable is better than leaving an unhappy situation.  Embrace your new identity..embrace this new opportunity.  Show your children and show yourself...that life can move on after divorce and it can be a positive thing for everyone.

                                                                     

       The one thing I have shared with most these women was to not spend too much time in "Pitty"ville. It is a waist of their time. If it was a male friend I was talking to I would say the same thing. Consider this an opportunity to embrace this new identity and find yourself again. There are books and web sites I have recommended in another blog, You're Served: Divorce  The one books was Crazy Time.  Recently, I have come across two other books for people entering the world of divorce for the adults and their children; Why Are We Getting A Divorce, by Peter Mayle, and My Parents are Getting A divorce, published by The American Bar Association.

                                                      

       I remember the fear of the unknown I was experiencing once my ex and I separated.  I remember it as the single most frightening time of my life. At the time, I was responsible for a 3, 5, and 7 year old. I gave up my career once we got married to be an at home mom...now what was I to do?   It was one thing to be responsible for yourself but quite another to know I had three young children to raise as well, I did not want to have them all screwed up from this marital catastrophe. This is the same thing all these women stressed to me- the fear for them and their children.  How do you keep stability in your house from this time forward?

                                                                        

       When facing a divorce or any big change in your life I have discovered there is only way to proceed..proceed by taking baby steps. This is a whole new world and you need to proceed slowly and cautiously.  Don't expect too much from yourself at first.  Celebrate any movement forward you make or lack of falling back when you can.  This is a time to love yourself, not hate yourself. The sky will not fall in a day, even though you feel it may. Make sure you watch movies and listen to music that you find uplifting now.  Exercise makes you feel great, give this to yourself. You may meet a new freind along the way. Look for books to read if you have an issue falling to sleep at night.  Focus on being a problem solver.  Don't be helpless, be helpful.  You need yourself now more than ever!

                                                    

       The one thing most people can appreciate is when I explain to them it is very important to be good to yourself-love yourself during this time. When your kid is going through rough times don't you give him/her a little extra TLC?  Don't forget to do this for yourself-it is a crucial exercise. Also, most feel like a piece of them has been detached.  Like they are missing a part of themselves.  It is very important to remain in contact with your friends and family during this time.  These people will never leave you and will always love you.  You are never alone.

                                                      

       Most likely every marriage that has lead to a divorce had been falling apart for awhile. One should be able to see some signs that things were not going well.  Good to examine what and when things went a rye. The longer I live the more determined I am to live with people that for the most part appreciate and respect me.  I promise every person entering a divorce...at least one of these criteria were not met. It can be as simple as not liking to do the same things..in the end this person does not appreciate sharing in the things you like to do or you them...it causes a rift. Sometimes people just grow apart...the appreciation just dissipates over time. It is not a matter of right or wrong.   Wouldn't you like to find someone from this day forward that will feel both respect and appreciation for you and you for them? 

                                                      

       Being single allows you an opportunity to find a companion from this day forward that fits who you are today..not yesterday. Find someone that embraces your being and feels fortunate to have you in their life and you theirs.  Don't question too long why this was not the case in the marriage that has failed for you...you may never have the answers. Consider the ending of the marriage to not be a failure but an ending of a saga. Time for a new adventure. Focus on finding people who will fill your life with love, laughter, respect and appreciation. If not in marriage...in friendship.

                                                             

       I know a couple of people who have lost their lives early or a loved one early..this is sad and tragic.  A divorce is a crisis...and yet you are still alive and able to move forward.  This is just a new chapter in  your life-one you get to write!  What will you fill this new chapter with?  Consider all the possibilities for you now.  Look for how you can now add to your life or make changes that work for you.  Dream Big...but move slow. Pat yourself for getting through each day early on.  Keep the momentum going; after a while you will see you are not sinking you are in fact swimming in new waters.

                                                       

       It is during the tough times where we realize how strong and able we truly are. You have a new canvas..how will you paint it?  Paint it with lots of color, bold and beautiful. What new hobby do you want to start up?  Any new class you want to take?  What about a career that makes you feel a part of things? Look for ways to meet new people to expand your friendship circle. Have a mantra you say to yourself daily that keeps you upbeat and positive...It can be as simple as, "Anything is Possible"   And yet..so true, so true.  Keep in mind...when one door closes another door opens.  This is a new chapter in your life.  This is the first day of the rest of your life.  Make it a good one.

You're Served: Divorce

     The Americans for Divorce Reform organization has estimated that 40-50% of married people will get divorced. 34% of baby boomers, 33-52 years of age, have already been divorced. Given these statistics, chances are you know someone who has gone through the process, or is still going through it today.

     A friend in my community was recently served divorce papers from her husband, while at work, in front of several people, as she handled the deli counter. You can only imagine how humiliating this was. This is the beginning of the divorce process for her, with out such a happy beginning.     Divorce can be tumultuous. There are a few cases, the exception to the rule, where the couple is able to cut ties amicably and remain friends.

     I had gone through a divorce about nine years ago, and I can tell you it was not an amicable one. I had emails sent out to our social community that really put me on the spot publicly, for something I could barely handle on my own behind the scenes. None of the feelings I had were pretty. Most fell along the lines of , humiliating, frightening for me and my children, painful, angry and depressed. Not to mention a so called failure the kids and I would have to live with for the rest of our lives. My children at the time of separation were 3, 5 and 7. My husband at the time, felt like a caged animal. The parameters of marriage were stifling for him to say the least. And so began the long process of divorce.

     I can tell you, at 16, when I dreamed of being 35, the picture I saw was married with children, settled, and life being good as a reward for working hard through my twenties. I never thought I would be divorced, single and with three children. Fortunately, I was not left broke as well. I did see a therapist to work my way through the process without falling to pieces. None of my friends or family members had gone through a divorce. This was a whole new world for me, foreign and frightening, as a mother of three young ones. The one thing that helped me through the process was a book called, Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and building a New Life. It is a short read but a valuable one.

     Today with the web having advanced as it has, there are many websites with virtual communities on them for support. On these sites are article after article filled with information and stories, to educate you and make you feel you are not alone. A few that I have visited and found quite read worthy were, www.Dailystrength.org, www.Divorcecare.com, www.Divorcesource.com and lastly www.Divorcerecovery.com. I only wish I had these websites, these communities to turn to at the time. So, if you have friends or family that you know are going through the process, please share with them this article so they can turn to these websites for support. You can save them a lot of money this way. Information free at their fingertips. The beauty of these sites are they are interactive. You can speak to people in the communities about many different subjects. Even if you are not the one getting a divorce, turn to these sites to gain an understanding for yourself or to help a loved one out.

     Lastly, upon getting divorced, I found another book to read. Reading is cathartic for me. This book is, Surrendering to Yourself: You are Your Own Soul mate. This gave me strength as I lead my life on my own once again. I hope this information helps you or a loved one. Email me for more information or comment on your thoughts, Robin