Robin Reports From In The Thick Of It

Divorce Happens...more than you know

     

Is it something in the water in our community? You certainly would think so if you lived in my neck of the woods. In the last couple of weeks, I have spoken to a handful of woman who have told me they are getting a divorce.  These are people in my community from all walks of life.  The number grew to such an extent I could not help but question if  a common denominator existed among them so I could reason why so many are breaking up a marriage at the same time. The only common denominator among the separations as of late was the ages of the children.  All but one of the separations had families with children that were pre-teens or older.  One was a break up due to an affair. Even in that case an affair is typically a sign that something was not being fulfilled  in the marriage prior.

                                                      

       Most these woman have been married for 15 years plus. I could see the pain, fear and shock in their faces.  After so many years of living a life of so called stability...all of a sudden these people are thrown in the pool of single people with broken marriages.  It is a hard pill to swallow. I know..I was one of them. Though you try to rationalize this is not the case, you feel like you have a stigma to live with now that you were not able to keep your marriage in tact. Now you are faced with the question, where do you go from here?

                                                            

       Being single is a much more acceptable state these days..so don't feel like you wear a scarlet letter upon your chest. And, only 7% of married people are truly content in their marriage.  Would you really want to remain in a marriage that was unfulfilling just to say you were married? Would you want to do it for your children?  Even then ..it is like you are showing your children staying married and being miserable is better than leaving an unhappy situation.  Embrace your new identity..embrace this new opportunity.  Show your children and show yourself...that life can move on after divorce and it can be a positive thing for everyone.

                                                                     

       The one thing I have shared with most these women was to not spend too much time in "Pitty"ville. It is a waist of their time. If it was a male friend I was talking to I would say the same thing. Consider this an opportunity to embrace this new identity and find yourself again. There are books and web sites I have recommended in another blog, You're Served: Divorce  The one books was Crazy Time.  Recently, I have come across two other books for people entering the world of divorce for the adults and their children; Why Are We Getting A Divorce, by Peter Mayle, and My Parents are Getting A divorce, published by The American Bar Association.

                                                      

       I remember the fear of the unknown I was experiencing once my ex and I separated.  I remember it as the single most frightening time of my life. At the time, I was responsible for a 3, 5, and 7 year old. I gave up my career once we got married to be an at home mom...now what was I to do?   It was one thing to be responsible for yourself but quite another to know I had three young children to raise as well, I did not want to have them all screwed up from this marital catastrophe. This is the same thing all these women stressed to me- the fear for them and their children.  How do you keep stability in your house from this time forward?

                                                                        

       When facing a divorce or any big change in your life I have discovered there is only way to proceed..proceed by taking baby steps. This is a whole new world and you need to proceed slowly and cautiously.  Don't expect too much from yourself at first.  Celebrate any movement forward you make or lack of falling back when you can.  This is a time to love yourself, not hate yourself. The sky will not fall in a day, even though you feel it may. Make sure you watch movies and listen to music that you find uplifting now.  Exercise makes you feel great, give this to yourself. You may meet a new freind along the way. Look for books to read if you have an issue falling to sleep at night.  Focus on being a problem solver.  Don't be helpless, be helpful.  You need yourself now more than ever!

                                                    

       The one thing most people can appreciate is when I explain to them it is very important to be good to yourself-love yourself during this time. When your kid is going through rough times don't you give him/her a little extra TLC?  Don't forget to do this for yourself-it is a crucial exercise. Also, most feel like a piece of them has been detached.  Like they are missing a part of themselves.  It is very important to remain in contact with your friends and family during this time.  These people will never leave you and will always love you.  You are never alone.

                                                      

       Most likely every marriage that has lead to a divorce had been falling apart for awhile. One should be able to see some signs that things were not going well.  Good to examine what and when things went a rye. The longer I live the more determined I am to live with people that for the most part appreciate and respect me.  I promise every person entering a divorce...at least one of these criteria were not met. It can be as simple as not liking to do the same things..in the end this person does not appreciate sharing in the things you like to do or you them...it causes a rift. Sometimes people just grow apart...the appreciation just dissipates over time. It is not a matter of right or wrong.   Wouldn't you like to find someone from this day forward that will feel both respect and appreciation for you and you for them? 

                                                      

       Being single allows you an opportunity to find a companion from this day forward that fits who you are today..not yesterday. Find someone that embraces your being and feels fortunate to have you in their life and you theirs.  Don't question too long why this was not the case in the marriage that has failed for you...you may never have the answers. Consider the ending of the marriage to not be a failure but an ending of a saga. Time for a new adventure. Focus on finding people who will fill your life with love, laughter, respect and appreciation. If not in marriage...in friendship.

                                                             

       I know a couple of people who have lost their lives early or a loved one early..this is sad and tragic.  A divorce is a crisis...and yet you are still alive and able to move forward.  This is just a new chapter in  your life-one you get to write!  What will you fill this new chapter with?  Consider all the possibilities for you now.  Look for how you can now add to your life or make changes that work for you.  Dream Big...but move slow. Pat yourself for getting through each day early on.  Keep the momentum going; after a while you will see you are not sinking you are in fact swimming in new waters.

                                                       

       It is during the tough times where we realize how strong and able we truly are. You have a new canvas..how will you paint it?  Paint it with lots of color, bold and beautiful. What new hobby do you want to start up?  Any new class you want to take?  What about a career that makes you feel a part of things? Look for ways to meet new people to expand your friendship circle. Have a mantra you say to yourself daily that keeps you upbeat and positive...It can be as simple as, "Anything is Possible"   And yet..so true, so true.  Keep in mind...when one door closes another door opens.  This is a new chapter in your life.  This is the first day of the rest of your life.  Make it a good one.

It's A Boy!

        We have a new baby in the house. That's right a new baby.  Well, a new baby puppy.  My daughter wanted one for her 8th grade graduation.  This last week has been just like raising a baby all over again-only it's a pup. We have had sleepless nights from him barking during the night.  We have been on regimented feeding schedules, having to take him out to do his duty as scheduled times. We had to take him to the doctor for a check up and give him some medication... It is exhausting-and yet exhilarating.  It is amazing how an animal can truly become a cherished part of your family in a very short time. At this very moment he is cuddled up next to my chair, chewing on a bone, as I write this.

         My friend lost her dog that was with her and her family for eleven years.  She basically died of old age.  It was incredibly sad to see her morn the loss of her dog, Lexi, for over two weeks.  Maybe you need to be a dog lover to appreciate this.  Lexi has been there while raising her two boys who have now moved on to college.  My friend has gone through two years of a separation and divorce from her husband of 20 plus years.  Her dog has been at her side through tough times, while she now has lived alone, for the last two years.  And now her dog, Lexi, her cherished canine companion, has passed away.

         Recently, we babysat her new pup, Max. She got him on Mothers Day with her son, when he returned from college. He is the cutest, rowdiest, little Shi Tzu you have ever seen.  We have a Maltese that is almost two years old.  After a long weekend of watching Max, our dog seemed sad when he was gone.  She would sniff around looking for Max.  She would go in rooms expecting to see him and he wouldn't be there.  My daughters explained how our dog was missing Max and she needed a friend.  I could see what they were talking about.  After owning a dog for a while you really get in touch with their personality and their feelings.  They are like people in many ways.  If you are not a dog owner or lover you are thinking I have lost it by now.  Get a dog, you will know what I am talking about. Anyway, our dog got used to Max being around to play with him. He liked having a companion.

        Being a dog owner is a new identity for me.  I did not grow up around dogs. I am now able to identify my dog, Sachi's feelings.  I have to say, she did seem she needed a friend.  The kids live very busy lives around here.  We have to leave our dog home alone often. We now brought home a Shi Tzu for Satchi to play with.  We have only had him for a week.  And it is instant love. The dogs play so well together.  We bring them on walks and play in the yard with them.  These two dogs are a part of our family.

       My friend brought over Max to play with our dogs today.  For an hour we just watched our dogs wrestle one another, bite each others ears, chase each other around the yard. We videoed them playing around in the yard. I found this hilarious.  We were so enamored by our animals.  It reminded me when our kids were young.  The adults would try to talk, but our attention was mostly focused on our young ones, making sure they were playing appropriately and not getting hurt or hurting someone else. And, proud Mamas and Papas when they would do something impressive. My friend laughed as she said...only a dog lover could understand what we are doing now. It was the perfect doggy play date.

       It has been a long week getting our new pup used to his new surroundings and watching him so he does not get hurt or eat something he should not be eating. I truly feel like a new mother. I can say, however, he is loved immensely by every family member of the house and we couldn't live without him. I came across a poem that describes what it is to own a dog.

My Dog, CHIMPY

MY DOG IS A FRIEND, WHO LOVES ME FOREVER... MY DOG IS A FRIEND, WHO WILL TURN ON ME NEVER... MY DOG IS A COMPANION, WHO WILL STAND BY MY SIDE... MY DOG IS A COMPANION WHO WONT RUN AND HIDE... MY DOG IS A SOMEONE WHO WILL ALWAYS BE MY FRIEND... MY DOG IS A FRIEND..AND A FRIEND UNTIL THE END... MY DOG IS A FRIEND WHO IS ALWAYS WILLING TO HAVE FUN... MY DOG BELIEVES THAT ABOVE ALL OTHERS, THAT I AM NUMBER ONE... Sheikh Hina Yasmeen

          If you are a dog lover and want to connect with other dog lovers that understand your canine affection, check out these web sites, K9Mania.com, PetSmart, and DogForums.com.  Lastly, if you are into books like I am, check out this site, books for dog lovers.  The Web is great for providing us connections to anything we want under the sun.  Make your connection today, make your dog a part of the fun.

Time to go take my dogs for a walk.  Maybe we will bump into another family with pets along the way.