We have all been in intense situations with someone where emotions have run high and we lost our cool. There is this period afterward I call the aftermath. You know, where possibly you don’t want to talk to person, fear talking to the person, possibly don’t know where to start? My last topic I shared with you was about where my son and I went head to head. Emotions ran high on both ends. Anger and frustration by both of us ensued. We were unable to complete this issue in a calm matter where we both felt better. For us it was not until the next day that we would talk. He had school; I had the other kids to take care of.
So the next day comes, and I drop my other kids off to school. I hop on the computer, something I do daily and sure enough late morning I see his sign on. Now I love this kid like no other, though know we did not leave things on a pretty note. I want things resolved. I want to clean up the aftermath. I like e-mails and text messages at times like this. It is easier to communicate rather than go face to face, at least initially. I start the conversation with the typical greeting of “Hi”. He responded back in kind. I saw an opening to continue the conversation. So, I dove right in. I text, “I am sorry for yelling at you last night. You know I was angry and upset. Imagine spending an hour and a half hunting you down as the clock is ticking and you have an important place to be at.” He writes back, “I’m sorry.”
At this point, in the aftermath, when the emotions on both sides have subsided to some degree. I think it is a great time to really share with the other person what fueled the emotion, the intensity of your upset. In Buddhism, I have leaned, that our feelings originate from two things, either fear or love. When angered, I can tell you, in this case fear was definitely present. So, I shared with my son, how I was frightened. I did not want him to be a no show. This can make people look down upon you, find you not reliable, and find you not trustworthy. I love him so much. I wanted to make sure we got him there, for his sake. My son always says he wants to be a leader; those characteristics in a person will not get him there. So, I got upset. I did not want the coach to look down upon him, or his teammates. I fought like heck to find him to avoid such a scenario.
When I did not find him I was angry and upset not just at him but the situation. It just didn’t look good. I shared with him how after a while I started to be concerned if he was physically okay and then how I became afraid for his safety. That by the time I found him, my emotions got the best of me, and I just let him have it. In the book, Six Seconds to True Calm, by Robert Simon Sigel, Robert explains, how it has been scientifically proven when our emotions run high the part of the brain that controls our intelligence does not work as effectively. We “lose it”. C’mon, how many of us have had those moments when we just lost it. It is human. In this situation, I lost it.
I explained to my son, now in a more calm matter, how I really want him to be more effective in certain areas of his life, and I am here to help. It is up to him to implement strategies that will protect him from such break downs. He was more able to hear me the next day. He said he understood he screwed up and agreed he wanted to clean this mess up with his coach, and he will always have his phone with him on important days. The specific event is not so important. More importantly, for both of us was to recognize he is growing up. I cannot protect him from every dire situation. I want him grow to be responsible and handle things effectively on his own. He will call to replace the book he lost today. As I prod him to be more independent, I need to let him drop the ball and pick it up again with out coming to his rescue all the time. And not get so crazy when he drops it. He is still learning. At 16, I want to let him spread his wings a little. Just wait till he has his first fender bender. That will be a test at how well I am handling this teenage thing in my household. See if I will eat my words. Just kidding.
Later that day, I picked him up from school. He comes home for the weekends. I gave him the keys to the car to drive us home. I moved over into the passenger seat. It was my message to him that I will hand over some control, we will go through this together, both making some mistakes along the way.
Who are you in aftermath? Do you have a system set in place for how to clean up your mess? For me, I always want the other person to know I care about him. Then I want him to know personally what was behind my anger and upset. In this case, I was frightened for him. Well, I also wanted him to realize I spent a lot of time in my life to be there for him and he did not show. Recognize how his actions or lack of them impacts other people. I then wanted to own up for my responsibility in the matter, loosing my cool. To follow was to devise a plan for the future so things can work better. And lastly, let him know I forgive him, and I hope he forgives me too.
sometimes, the most difficult thing we can do is to let go.
trusting that we did our best, in giving them the tools they need to make the right decisions; handing down to our children the values that will help them to be the best person they can be.
that and pray. pray that god looks after them, when we can not.
Posted by: rach | February 26, 2007 at 01:18 PM