Robin Reports From In The Thick Of It

You're Served: Divorce

     The Americans for Divorce Reform organization has estimated that 40-50% of married people will get divorced. 34% of baby boomers, 33-52 years of age, have already been divorced. Given these statistics, chances are you know someone who has gone through the process, or is still going through it today.

     A friend in my community was recently served divorce papers from her husband, while at work, in front of several people, as she handled the deli counter. You can only imagine how humiliating this was. This is the beginning of the divorce process for her, with out such a happy beginning.     Divorce can be tumultuous. There are a few cases, the exception to the rule, where the couple is able to cut ties amicably and remain friends.

     I had gone through a divorce about nine years ago, and I can tell you it was not an amicable one. I had emails sent out to our social community that really put me on the spot publicly, for something I could barely handle on my own behind the scenes. None of the feelings I had were pretty. Most fell along the lines of , humiliating, frightening for me and my children, painful, angry and depressed. Not to mention a so called failure the kids and I would have to live with for the rest of our lives. My children at the time of separation were 3, 5 and 7. My husband at the time, felt like a caged animal. The parameters of marriage were stifling for him to say the least. And so began the long process of divorce.

     I can tell you, at 16, when I dreamed of being 35, the picture I saw was married with children, settled, and life being good as a reward for working hard through my twenties. I never thought I would be divorced, single and with three children. Fortunately, I was not left broke as well. I did see a therapist to work my way through the process without falling to pieces. None of my friends or family members had gone through a divorce. This was a whole new world for me, foreign and frightening, as a mother of three young ones. The one thing that helped me through the process was a book called, Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and building a New Life. It is a short read but a valuable one.

     Today with the web having advanced as it has, there are many websites with virtual communities on them for support. On these sites are article after article filled with information and stories, to educate you and make you feel you are not alone. A few that I have visited and found quite read worthy were, www.Dailystrength.org, www.Divorcecare.com, www.Divorcesource.com and lastly www.Divorcerecovery.com. I only wish I had these websites, these communities to turn to at the time. So, if you have friends or family that you know are going through the process, please share with them this article so they can turn to these websites for support. You can save them a lot of money this way. Information free at their fingertips. The beauty of these sites are they are interactive. You can speak to people in the communities about many different subjects. Even if you are not the one getting a divorce, turn to these sites to gain an understanding for yourself or to help a loved one out.

     Lastly, upon getting divorced, I found another book to read. Reading is cathartic for me. This book is, Surrendering to Yourself: You are Your Own Soul mate. This gave me strength as I lead my life on my own once again. I hope this information helps you or a loved one. Email me for more information or comment on your thoughts, Robin

New Driver In The House

I am very happy to see my blog has made a difference already. Thank you to those who know me who have already written in response . I have added “e-mail me” on the left column so you can share your thoughts with me and possibly what you would like to see in upcoming blogs.

I have a friend who has a new driver in her home. It has made her husband quite nervous at times when their son leaves the house. Maybe you have heard of the group of kids who died in Ottawa just recently, joy riding at 2 AM in the morning. In our neck of the woods, several very unfortunate accidents have occurred, very “unnecessary” accidents have occurred. A friend who read my blog sent to me this article about teens that have died in Oswego and why it was unecessary.http://www.dailyherald.com/opinion/goudie.asp?id=282702

In this article there are some great rules set up by a parent for the safety of their children during these years. Please check them out.

It is quite nerve racking to hand over the keys and hope they will be safe out there on the roads. I was happy to see the new requirements for teenagers to follow before and upon getting their license in Illinois. If not in Illinois, check the laws in your state. Here, teens under 18 are required to drive with a parent for 50 hours and turn in a detailed sheet of the driving conditions and the times of each trip. After they get their license, for the first six months they are only allowed one non-family member in the car while they are driving. This is great, there is no peer pressure as it is against the law. State Representative David Leitch is pushing legislation that requires drivers under 18 to attach a sign to their vehicle saying, “New Driver,” As for me, I am for anything that can provide extra safety to these new drivers. It takes years to gain experience behind the wheel; not just a 3 month drivers ed class.

My friend brought up how their son was gone for over a couple of hours. Her husband was not comfortable that he had not heard from him. They tried to call his phone and there was no response. The Dad got in the car and went to hunt him down. The next day my friend shared how stressful it was that night. My suggestion at the time was to have their son write down the name and addresses of all his friends he usually hangs out with, and keep it in the kitchen. So, in the future they have a better chance of making contact with him. If he is going out with someone not on the list have a rule made that requires him to leave his name and number with you before he leaves. The other rule is for any teen driver to check in with his parents every two hours to verify they are okay. If they change locations, they are to call at the time they are leaving.

I was fortunate enough to have an agent from Farmers Insurance that required my son to meet in the office ( required by company for all new drivers) with him for an hour to talk about his responsibilities on the road before my son could be insured. This was quite informative. It is also more effective when they hear it from someone besides mom and dad sometimes. He talked about drinking and driving, how to handle accidents, the rise in insurance costs after having an accident etc. He also pointed out we should have rules written down at the house and have him sign off on them before we hand over the keys. So he is clear what is expected of him and the consequences if he breaks the rules. This was a great suggestion.

Bottom line for our new drivers is to realize this is all about their safety. The number one cause of death among teenagers is from car accidents. Driving is a huge responsibility. I find it even questionable that we let them drive before they graduate high school. My son would not like to hear this. My son’s school suggested a book for us to read for when our teen becomes a driver, Crashproof Your Kids: Make Your Teen a Smarter Driver by Timothy C. Smith. Every little bit of help is appreciated in preparing your child the best you can.

I have heard of so many accidents within a 30 mile vicinity in just the last year that have shaken me up as a parent. Kids three miles from my house speeding and end up crashing; one in critical condition, the other paralyzed from the waist down. A bunch of kids driving on neighborhood streets on homecoming day and the drivers starts playing games, hits a tree and teen passengers die as a consequence. It is no joke behind the wheel. We need to do our best to make our teens realize their life and the lives of others are in their hands when they take the wheel.

The Aftermath

     We have all been in intense situations with someone where emotions have run high and we lost our cool.  There is this period afterward I call the aftermath.  You know, where possibly you don’t want to talk to person, fear talking to the person, possibly don’t know where to start? My last topic I shared with you was about where my son and I went head to head.  Emotions ran high on both ends.  Anger and frustration by both of us ensued.  We were unable to complete this issue in a calm matter where we both felt better.  For us it was not until the next day that we would talk.  He had school; I had the other kids to take care of.

     So the next day comes, and I drop my other kids off to school.   I hop on the computer, something I do daily and sure enough late morning I see his sign on.  Now I love this kid like no other, though know we did not leave things on a pretty note.  I want things resolved.  I want to clean up the aftermath.  I like e-mails and text messages at times like this.  It is easier to communicate rather than go face to face, at least initially. I start the conversation with the typical greeting of “Hi”.  He responded back in kind.  I saw an opening to continue the conversation.  So, I dove right in. I text, “I am sorry for yelling at you last night.  You know I was angry and upset.  Imagine spending an hour and a half hunting you down as the clock is ticking and you have an important place to be at.” He writes back, “I’m sorry.”

     At this point, in the aftermath, when the emotions on both sides have subsided to some degree.  I think it is a great time to really share with the other person what fueled the emotion, the intensity of your upset.  In Buddhism, I have leaned, that our feelings originate from two things, either fear or love.  When angered, I can tell you, in this case fear was definitely present.  So, I shared with my son, how I was frightened.  I did not want him to be a no show.  This can make people look down upon you, find you not reliable, and find you not trustworthy.  I love him so much.  I wanted to make sure we got him there, for his sake. My son always says he wants to be a leader; those characteristics in a person will not get him there.  So, I got upset. I did not want the coach to look down upon him, or his teammates.  I fought like heck to find him to avoid such a scenario.

When I did not find him I was angry and upset not just at him but the situation.  It just didn’t look good. I shared with him how after a while I started to be concerned if he was physically okay and then how I became afraid for his safety.  That by the time I found him, my emotions got the best of me, and I just let him have it.  In the book, Six Seconds to True Calm, by Robert Simon Sigel, Robert explains, how it has been scientifically proven when our emotions run high the part of the brain that controls our intelligence does not work as effectively.  We “lose it”.  C’mon, how many of us have had those moments when we just lost it.  It is human.  In this situation, I lost it. 

     I explained to my son, now in a more calm matter, how I really want him to be more effective in certain areas of his life, and I am here to help. It is up to him to implement strategies that will protect him from such break downs.  He was more able to hear me the next day.  He said he understood he screwed up and agreed he wanted to clean this mess up with his coach, and he will always have his phone with him on important days.  The specific event is not so important.  More importantly, for both of us was to recognize he is growing up. I cannot protect him from every dire situation. I want him grow to be responsible and handle things effectively on his own.  He will call to replace the book he lost today. As I prod him to be more independent, I need to let him drop the ball and pick it up again with out coming to his rescue all the time.  And not get so crazy when he drops it.  He is still learning. At 16, I want to let him spread his wings a little.  Just wait till he has his first fender bender.  That will be a test at how well I am handling this teenage thing in my household. See if I will eat my words. Just kidding.

     Later that day, I picked him up from school.  He comes home for the weekends.  I gave him the keys to the car to drive us home.  I moved over into the passenger seat.  It was my message to him that I will hand over some control, we will go through this together, both making some mistakes along the way.

     Who are you in aftermath? Do you have a system set in place for how to clean up your mess? For me, I always want the other person to know I care about him. Then I want him to know personally what was behind my anger and upset.  In this case, I was frightened for him. Well, I also wanted him to realize I spent a lot of time in my life to be there for him and he did not show.  Recognize how his actions or lack of them impacts other people. I then wanted to own up for my responsibility in the matter, loosing my cool.  To follow was to devise a plan for the future so things can work better.  And lastly, let him know I forgive him, and I hope he forgives me too.

Someone Stole My Books

Hello to all of you out there, that like me, are in the thick of it.

I am not sure how many of you readers have created a blog before.  This is my first one, and it is quite an exciting event.  So many friends and family have felt I have been able to provide sage words for them in dealing with experiences in life.  We are talking about experiences that go across the board.  I have helped people at work, at home, with sports, parenting and in relationships.  How have I become educated,  so to provide these words of wisdom, if that is what you want to call it?  The best way to learn is to grow from situations you have had to deal with yourself.  When you find yourself stuck, you have no option but to seek an education of some sort as to how  to come out successfully from the muck you presently find yourself in.  You know, muck comes in all sorts of colors.  You have the muck from being in a fight with a loved one, or with your boss at work, possibly your muck is the weight you have put on over the last few years.  I know muck shows up in a myriad of ways. Over the years, I have found many sources to help get me out the muck, out of the thick of it. And due to many loved ones egging me on, I have finally decided to go public and share some of  my life lessons with you, so you too, can successfully get out of the thick of it and find yourself cruising through life once again.

I decided to start with my most present situation.  How many of you have a teenager out there?  I know I have been warned many a times on what it is like to raise a teenager.  I like to boast at times on the very close relationship I have with my children.  Silently, I have been hoping this closeness was somehow going to keep me immune from those nasty arguments and mucky situations parents find themselves in with their very loved teenager. But no, why should I be immune?  No, I am human like the rest, and God surly won't let me miss this test!  So, this month I find myself in the thick of it, dealing with lost items.  We have lost keys, lost a phone, lost school books, and a lost son, when it came time to show up for an import an sporting event.

It is very interesting how when one thing goes wrong we as parents are unhappy, but able to remain cool.  It is when events start adding up that our coolness, if you will ,starts draining rapidly and we find ourselves angry, frustrated, possibly yelling and feeling our children are out of control and therefore, we feel this for ourselves as well. This is when you are truly, in the thick of it .  For me, I can see all sorts of shades of the color red at these times.  What do yah do?  We are put to the test as parents to find a successful solution, so our children are back on the path of being happy, responsible, thriving young adults. And along the way, making sure we ourselves don't get pulled under from the rocky road that comes from living with a teen.

My son just turned 16 a couple of weeks ago.  And I can tell you that his turning 16 really hit me all at once. We went and got his license.  We get home and I get the very well known, "Give me the car keys can I have them please? See yah later, I'll be home...." You know the rest.  He was feeling his independence.  I was one proud Mamma.  Yes, indeed.  I think he grew three inches that day.   My boy is growing up to be a man. So, what is to follow from this fabulous day?

A series of events, where there is a phone lost, keys, books, and even him not showing up for his event.  I have all of sudden turned my son, whom I am so proud of, into the most irresponsible out of control kid on the planet. What is happening? I ask.  You want the car keys when you cannot be responsible for A,B,C and D?  I am going out of my mind.  I am frightened.  I am angry. The stack blows. What next ? I think.  Oh yeah, I am in the thick of it.  I have a teenager.

My son is at a boarding school.  He is in advanced classes.  He is a gifted athlete. He does not drink or smoke.  At least, these are not his issues.  His issues are of a different nature.  How can I become effective with this being, so that he thrives once again and we get along?  I have to become educated.  I have to pool from all my resources.  I talk to friends and hear their take on the matter.  I think back on how it was like for me at 16? What were my mistakes?  I consider all the years of therapy I myself have been through, what would the therapist say?  And me , yes, I am an avid self-help book reader. I take on all this information.  Due to his anger presently, I feel he does not hear me, so I turn to an adviser at school and ask him to have a one on one conversation with him. It is not an easy one-step plan. It is multi-faceted, as nothing good comes easy.  But, in the mean time, I have to be sure my son knows I love him and every thing set forth is for him to grow and be more accountable for himself.  I have to apologize for losing my cool when things got heated. Hopefully, life will become a little easier for him in the long run by instilling this new agenda.

The first thing I will put on the list is to cite for him a very wise phrase provided by one very cherished friend.  "His lack of planning does not constitute and emergency for me". Well said. It is his emergency not mine.  I don't have to own the crisis myself. I need to get this, hopefully when things get nuts, this train of thought will keep me from blowing my stack.  At this point, he needs to be responsible and do what  is necessary to find the items lost.  It is not my job to look for them, bring them to him, or replace them. In fact, many will say this is enabling him to keep doing what he is already doing.  He needs to realize this is his mess and clean it up. He needs to be held accountable.  His systems are failing him.  This is where I come in, if he will let me, and help him devise new ones. What has he been doing, to make sure these items are available to him when he needs them?  Once his items are found or replaced, he needs to device a plan to make sure he can find them at all times and does not forget them on the way out.   We go through the check lists.  We provide him with his own copy of the schedule for his sport to hang on the wall.  He calls the coach to apologize for his being a no show.

Time for mom to step back a little and let him deal with these issues on his own. Let him struggle to find the items or go through the motions to replace them.  Let him miss a game and feel the consequences from his teammates and the coach.Will the coach let him play in the next game?  I have to give myself permission to let him fail. That's right. He needs to feel the pain.  Cannot protect him from all the dire consequences of his not being responsible.  No better teacher than learning the hard way. Have you ever heard of the book, Failing Forward?  The gist of this book is that we all learn by taking on things and failing from them.  The road paved to success is filled with many failures.  And maybe when he is struggling on his own, he will better be able to hear me or another adult that tells him he needs to make some changes. Ideally, he will learn how to instill a plan that works for his being accountable in all areas of his life. That is the goal.

After going through the thick of it, I have really learned a lesson.  I have a teenager. As a parent I have to step back a little and let him feel his growing independence.  I have to allow him to run his life and fail a little.  I can be there for advice, I can provide house rules, but don't be an enabler.   Recognize his issues are his not mine. Remain calm when he is losing control.  I don't own his messes, he does.  Let him make them and learn by cleaning them up. He is 16 years young. Though he is maturing, there is so much more for him to learn.  Failing is a crucial  part of the journey that leads us to success.

My best to all of you, going through the thick of it with your teenager.

Robin